I am amazed by the things I hear come out of people’s mouths.. the insensitivity makes me so frustrated. The worst part is, though, I know that I have been in their shoes. I’ve been the one who judges others with complete disregard to their feelings.

You’ve all been there. You’ve told the annoying kid in your math class to “shut up,” whether it be aloud, under your breath, or in your head. It’s all the same. You’ve all gossiped with your friends about how she looks like a slut in her short skirt.. or how she’s having a bad hair day. You’ve all laughed at his big nose or awkward shape. You’ve all made jokes about his race, whether it be malicious or play. You’ve all teased him about his sexual orientation. You’ve judged her for being beautiful, merely because you’re insecure about yourself.

One of the many things I’ve learned from my friend coming out to me is that you never know the burdens others are carrying. You never know the troubles occurring in their life or the insecurities they may have. You never know the depression they may be facing, or the looming thoughts of suicide they battle daily. Who knows, perhaps your one seemingly harmless comment will push them over the edge. People are amazing at hiding what’s inside.

I know I’m not perfect. I’ve been there. I’ve constantly judged the girl with the cutest clothes and all the friends.. All the while ignoring the load she could be carrying. Ignoring the fact that her father passed away.. an experience that I could never imagine happening to me. Who am I to talk bad about her, say I hate her.. without even considering the conequences? I have no right. I know from experience that judging individuals in this way only harms yourself. It never made me feel good to think of her in this way. It only made me feel even more insecure about myself, always making it a competition between the two of us. No good comes out of this way of thinking! Putting others down only digs a deeper hole for yourself. The only way to truly make yourself feel good is to recognize this and to do your best to think differently.

I’ve noticed that high school kids my age (and, surprisingly.. many adults!) are increasingly oblivious to the harm their jokes and comments may have. Making a “gay” joke to one of your friends is considered funny. Making a stereotypic racist joke to your black friend is funny, because “he’s okay with it.” Saying “that’s so retarded” is no big deal because everyone says it. Telling your friend to “go die in a car accident” is funny because you were just kidding, so you both laugh.. SERIOUSLY? Have some respect! Who are you to say you “know” their feelings won’t be hurt? How do you know your friend isn’t gay, and he’s just holding it in because he sees the jokes you make? Even if he isn’t, how do you know someone else listening to the conversation isn’t gay? Don’t you have any sensitivity for your peers? How do you know your black friend isn’t constantly eaten away by the feeling that his race makes him not good enough? How do you know he isn’t affected by black stereotypes in our society? Perhaps your “jokes” only make his vulnerability worse. Using “retarded” and “gay” for “stupid” is ridiculous. Have you ever thought of people who might have mentally disabled individuals as family members or close friends? Do you think you’re putting them in a comfortable situation? It’s funny to tell your friend to die in a car accident because it’s a joke.. Have you ever thought about those around you listening? What if someone had a close relative die in a car accident? Wouldn’t you think that your joke would hurt them? Even worse, what if your friend had this same experience, but is scared to speak up about it because he doesn’t want to be called a “wimp” or “too sensitive”? All I ask is for you to think about these things before you open your mouth. You never know the impact your words can have.

This is the way I’m going to push myself to think from now on. I’ve already been trying it, and it has made me feel so much better about myself. It’s also been getting me into a little bit of trouble with my friends, though. I’ve not been afraid to speak up when I think they are being insensitive. I try to do it in a nice and subtle way, but at times I almost feel as though I am attacking them. I don’t mean to, but it can end up into an argument. I understand that most of the time these comments are not made to be malevolent at all. Therefore, when I address these facts, my friends often feel on the defensive end and having to justify that “I really didn’t mean it that way.” I understand that.. It’s the culture we live in and the immaturity of our age. But, this really doesn’t justify it or make it okay. All I ask is for you to open your mind a little, mature yourself, and think about your comments before you make them.

I, Too

I, too, sing America.

I am the darker brother.
They send me to eat in the kitchen
When company comes,
But I laugh,
And eat well,
And grow strong.

Tomorrow,
I’ll be at the table
When company comes.
Nobody’ll dare
Say to me,
“Eat in the kitchen,”
Then.

Besides,
They’ll see how beautiful I am
And be ashamed–

I, too, am America.

Langston Hughes

I was exposed to this poem in English today. I immediately fell in love with its theme. We learned about the Harlem Renaissance and the influences it had on the poetry of Langston Hughes. The essential goal of the movement was to show America how beautiful the african american culture was. The poem was in response to Walt Whitman’s poem “I hear American singing.” Hughes is responding to the poem by clearly stating that african americans are a part of American culture as well, and one day they will be respected and accepted by society.

The thing I love about this poem is that it not only can be related to african americans, but also other sub-cultures who feel like a “darker brother” (not only race, but also those left in the “dark shadows” of mainstream white european culture.) Likewise, Hughes never really explicitly states who is “sending” him to “eat in the kitchen.” It may be inferred that he is referencing to whites, but I love that he leaves it open for interpretation. In my opinion, he is addressing whoever is segregating him and judging him.. not only (if at all) whites.

This poem gives me a humanistic feeling. It gives me hope for the future of other sub-cultures in apparent peril, such as homosexuals. One day, we will all see how beautiful each and every one of these people are. We will not push them away from our society, or judge them for being ever-so-slightly different. They will emerge, strong and brave. They will show us their full potential to be just as deserving as we are. We will be ashamed at the way we stereotyped them and met them will mistreatment. One day we will realize that, like race, sexual preference does not determine a person’s social, economic, or political standing. One day we will realize the absurdness of our societal-influenced thoughts. Because, after all, we are all human.

I’m starting this blog thanks to inspiration from a very close friend. I’ve recently discovered something about this person that has brought us so much closer. He felt comfortable enough to tell me about his true sexual orientation, a secret he has kept inside since he can remember. The feeling I felt is indescribable. So many things have been going through my mind from the time he told me, only about 48 hours ago. He introduced me to his blog where he has been letting out some of his feelings. He also introduced me to a few of his friends throughout the country that he’s been talking to about his situation. This whole experience was probably just as liberating for him as it was for me. 

Anyways, I’m getting ahead of myself. I’m a senior in high school and I’m not sure how I feel about graduating in a few months. I enjoy school, especially science. I am on student government, key club, MESA President, FBLA, NHS, an IB student and the President of Salt Lake County Youth Government. I’m also a part of an international humanitarian program called Youthlinc. I’m really sorry for that tangent. I just wanted to give you some background information. 

I’m not sure how often this blog will be updated due to a very busy schedule. I’m also not sure about the quality of the posts. I’m hoping this will be a good way for me to voice my opinion about some of the things that go through my mind on a daily basis, as well as thought-provoking experiences. Most of my posts are going to resemble a thought process, so bear with me if I contradict myself or if it’s really unorganized. This is my second shot at a blog, my previous being more photography-based (I love photography). If you ever have time and want to check it out, the url is http://meggieskye.blogspot.com/ . I honestly haven’t updated it for about a year, so there will be a lot of old stuff on there. Regardless, who knows what you’ll find! ;). 

It’s been interesting to take a deeper look (hence.. the name of the blog) into my thought process and daily experiences. I doubt I would have felt the need to voice these concerns if it weren’t for the help of my friend. I’m incredibly thankful for all he has given to me throughout my life. As I’ve told him before, I don’t know where I would be without him. 

School is very important to me. However, I’ve really been beginning to question what’s most important. Due to my busy schedule I’ve found it increasingly difficult to spend time with those who matter most to me. Over the last few months I’ve been thinking about my relationship with my Dad. I love him so much, and there is nothing sour between us. He is always there for me when I need him and I know he would do (literally) anything for me. I’ve been doubting the amount I give back, though. My parents are divorced and have joint custody and as I’ve grown older I’ve been living more and more with my mom. While I still have a room and bed at my Dad’s, I really can’t remember I’ve spent a night there. Thinking about this has brought me to tears at times. How can I let myself prioritize so badly? I will be graduating in only a few months and am hoping to go to a school in California. As I think about this, I realize I really won’t be able to spend much time with my parents. I then begin to wonder.. when will I? There will never be another time in my life where I have the opportunity to see my dad whenever I want. At times I wish I wasn’t so busy, or that school didn’t matter so much to me, so that I could really value the time spent with my father. 

After my friend told me about his situation, I was struck with this feeling once again. I immediately regretted not being there for him sooner.. All of the times where I have been so caught up in my life and not really caring for my close friends. You never know how long you have with these people.. something I realized once again. Another thing that came to mind was the situation with my step-uncle. I really didn’t know too much about him, other than he contracted AIDS. I’ve overheard my step mom and dad and relatives talk about him being schizophrenic and a homosexual as well. He went missing in August of 2011. In September his body was found in the canyon behind the Capitol building. I really can’t say for sure what drove him to do this, but he seemed like a lonely person. Every time he came over, he always had so many things to talk about. He had an opinion on just about everything and he was hilarious. There always seemed to be something missing, though. Some part of me wishes that I would have known more about him so that I could be more of a help. I also can’t shake the feeling that his unsureness about his sexuality contributed to his conclusion to end his life. Perhaps if he had more people to accept him for who he was, his death could have been prevented. 

Ah. I don’t really know where I’m going with all of this. I guess the bottom line is that I have been learning a lot about myself. I’ve been recognizing relationships that need mending and I’ve decided to be accepting of everyone. On a similar note, I’ve also been noticing a lot about the society and community that I live in. Especially over the past two days. I have never in my life been so acute to the stereotypes and expectations unconsciously forced by those of whom I am surrounded. I will keep the example going with homosexuals, gays in particular. It was only until two days ago that I really started to realize how inherently judgmental and stereotypical our society is. Just because a man is attracted to other men, it does not mean they are feminine. They don’t have to be flamboyant or like shoes or painting their nails or whatever. They can like basketball, football, food, etc. It’s really interesting that so many people don’t realize this. Frankly, I didn’t either. Secondly, the expectations we put on each other are ridiculous. I don’t understand why you should have to be scared of judgement just because you are attracted to individuals of the same sex. WHAT IS THE BIG DEAL?!? Seriously! It’s not like something is wrong with you! And it’s absolutely outrageous that you must feel like it is! You are still the same person, you like the same music, have the same favorite color and food. It’s one preference out of a million, and just because it is different than someone else’s shouldn’t mean ANYTHING! It makes me borderline furious! I’ve been becoming more and more sensitive to what comes out of other’s mouths concerning gays. I’ve probably heard literally 10 conversations where the word “gay” (whether used derogatorily or not) in the last two days. I feel on the defensive end in every case. I try not to say anything, but most times I can’t help but to let them know that I really don’t appreciate their joke or stereotype that they are claiming. I have had my eyes opened to a whole different way of thinking. I only hope that others will have their eyes opened, too. 

This post has been all over the place. I really apologize, I probably didn’t make that good of a first impression! I’ve been losing my train of thought, and so for future posts I will try to keep them much shorter. I’ll try to post as soon as possible and whenever I experience something that I feel I need to voice an opinion on. I hope I didn’t confuse you too much! I look forward to having an “Outlet of my Own” here in the blogging-world.

Sincerely,

adeeperlook.